Can’t sleep, so i’m typing. And deleting. And typing again. Questions around family and fatherhood.
Claire and i want to have a baby. But the process of ‘trying’ for a baby is quite weird. All my life so far, sex has been for pleasure and togetherness only. The idea of sex while harbouring intent is strange. Having grown up in a time when contraceptives were not just available, but normal and routinely taught in school, sex has never been fully linked with procreation – till now. I am not dim, i know the infamous facts, but i haven’t felt on a gut level that this could be a baby thing.
How would it change me? My marriage? My relationship with my parents? My relationship with myself? On a gut level – am i potent? Can i produce the goods? But what about the part of me that is actually worried that i CAN…? About what it would mean? Is 9 months long enough to get used to it?
I have noticed a worrying urge to control. I want to make claire eat right, excersie right, all that. While getting annoyed with semi-fascist book about eating only wholemeal for 9 years before you’re fit to think about conceiving. My urge to make things perfect is the outside word is probably cos it doesn’t feel quite right in the inside world. I’m not quite ready in myself yet. But i also know that more time wouldn’t make me ‘ready’. Only a willingness to engage will do that.