My scary incompetence, then a nice afternoon

So i went shopping, put a bag on the back of the buggy and it fell over. Backwards. I rushed round and picked it up – Leo had been sort of hanging in there by his straps. His head wasn’t against the floor and his neck wasn’t bent. I think his legs caught in the straps, which stopped him sliding backwards. We got away with it.
I don’t think i have ever felt more scared, or as incompetent. It was compounded by the emotional backstory. It’s been horrible for me coming back from work and feeling like i don’t know him, or what his wriggles and cries mean; Claire always seems to know what is up with him, and i feel like a terrible dad. I’m no use at home, and when i’m at work i can’t be any use. Then, i think could be helpful and take him to the shop, and this happens.
Claire was upset, obviously; the only one unconcerned was Leo. Claire told me of Mel’s scare: her car seat fell off a bench, but Josh slept through it happily. We can get away with some things – babies are tough – but i feel like i’ve used up the joker and i’m scared of fucking up again.
I don’t know what to write, i feel awful and i can’t put it into words. The thing is, he is absolutely fine and i have to carry on anyway. I don’t like the idea that i can just fuck up like that and yet still be allowed to look after him – i feel like i should be told off and lose a license or something.
Later we went to Rie and Steve’s house for an afternoon with some of the NCT families. It was a very relaxed affair, much more chilled than the early ones i went to. I think people are getting a little more sleep now, and probably feeling more at ease with being parents and coping with the babies. I know we feel happier that when Leo cries, or grimaces, or wriggles, we understand what is happening a bit more, and so don’t expend so much energy worrying about it. Maybe the others are the same.
Their house is lovely, though, and made me sad we have just a little flat. I have to remember that Leon and Felix are living in a smaller flat and they are growing up happy and lovely. I do get worried about whether I/we can give Leo all that he might need – but i get confused about the difference between ‘need’ and ‘want’.
I forgot about the scary incident, and had a nice day regardless. It doesn’t feel right that I haven’t been punished – i feel even more guilty for forgetting until now.


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