Love and Death

Fairly gratuitous Woody Allen reference.
Been thinking about preparing my will; Claire and I bought the DIY packs before Leo was born but obviously never got round to it.
But it’s forcing me to contemplate my death, and i feel something unexpected. I now understand that i never used to have any particular fear of death. I didn’t want it to happen, but any emotion was focused on ‘what if i hadn’t done xxx’. I had no strong feeling that there was something in the future that i really wanted to experience.
Now i fear for what i would really miss.
[OK, something spine-shiveringly weird just happened. As i concluded typing that sentence, Leo started crying in his sleep. He wailed a couple of times; we went in and he was asleep and seemed quite calm. He’s asleep OK now.]
So, it’s him i’d miss. I don’t think he needs me as such – it isn’t for his benefit i wish to stay alive. (Though i do wish to stay alive and i know he does need his daddy.) The visceral feeling i have is fear of what i could miss – birthdays, paintings, performances, tantrums, successes, failures, partners, children…


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